My Favorite Kind Of Day

Christi Hegstad September 22nd, 2022

If you mapped out your ideal ‘regular’ day, what would it look like?

Not a holiday or a day spent on a beach vacation, but just a random Thursday in September, for example?

I have given this a fair amount of thought lately. Partly because now that all my children have graduated from high school, my days look quite different than they have the last two decades!

And partly because I’ve noticed some days can feel so much more fulfilling than others, even though my activities may seem pretty much the same.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

Although I veer toward ‘all or nothing’ tendencies, this does not apply when it comes to my favorite kind of day. I love a relaxing vacation day, for instance, but the achiever in me also wants ‘something to show for it.’

At the same time, an entire day of checking things off the list isn’t super fulfilling, either.

My favorite kind of day includes a healthy blend of both productivity and peacefulness.

Now, this probably doesn’t seem like world-changing news. But it has changed things – pretty significantly, actually! – in my world.

I still conduct my Weekly R+P session as I have for years. When it comes to each day, however, I make sure I’ve mapped out both productivity (progress toward long-term goals and small tasks that I can check off the list, for instance) and peacefulness (a walk in nature, dinner with a friend, or an evening of cross-stitch, e.g.). They aren’t necessarily in 50/50 proportions, but both ideally make a healthy appearance.

Since this mini-revelation, I have been more intentional about making sure my days reflect this blend as much as possible.

And I must say, it’s made a difference!

What do your favorite days include? When do you feel most fulfilled and purposeful? Consider mapping this out in a bit of detail, then adjusting your days accordingly.

Here’s to experiencing even more of your favorite kind of day!

5 Tips For When Your Confidence Shakes

Christi Hegstad September 21st, 2022

Clients come to me for a variety of coaching needs:

To achieve a bold + meaningful goal, to strengthen their leadership skills, or to prioritize and manage their time more effectively, for example.

And as we coach together, another topic often emerges:

Confidence.

Confidence is at the heart of nearly everything we do. It’s hard to achieve goals if we don’t actually believe we can. Forcing ourselves to go through the motions, or ‘faking it until we make it,’ can only take us so far.

Building Solid Confidence

If your confidence has grown shaky, perhaps one of these five tips can help:

1. Craft Your ‘Celebration of Triumphs.’

I have a big dream that, I’ll be honest, I’m not fully convinced (yet) I can make happen. I recently dedicated a page in my journal to ‘Dreams That Became Reality’ and listed things I’ve done over the years that also were once only dreams. That has served as a powerful reminder! Make a list of your achievements – big and small, planned and unplanned – and refer to it often.

2. Track Small Wins.

If your to-do list is completely made up of large, multi-faceted projects, you may not feel like you’re experiencing any wins at all. Break these projects down into smaller – teeny-tiny, if necessary – components so you can start checking things off the list and building your momentum.

3. Scan Your Personal History.

As you look over the past few years (or even farther back), what are some of your favorite high-confidence moments? When did you feel really ‘in the zone’ or like you were in just the right place at just the right time? List out a few such moments, then dig into them a bit to see what contributed to your confidence. You may find clues to enhance your confidence in upcoming moments as well.

4. Partner Up.

Clarity and confidence are foundational components of my work with coaching clients – and also things my coach supports me in, too. (Yes, coaches need coaches!) If you’d like a few confidence-building coaching sessions before we wrap up the year, email my office and let’s talk.

5. Seek Out Confidence In Action.

Whom do you know – either in person or from afar – that emanates confidence? What in particular do you notice about them? In addition to those confidence role models, look into helpful confidence resources, too. I love The Confidence Code by Kay & Shipman, and Amy Cuddy’s TED Talk on body language has garnered millions of views.

Like a muscle strengthened through regular exercise, your confidence can be strengthened through practice and attention. Hopefully one or more of these ideas helps strengthen your confidence muscle! What else would you add to the list?

Dear Dr. Christi: How Do You Stay So Upbeat?

Christi Hegstad September 20th, 2022

Dear Dr. Christi,

How do you stay so upbeat all of the time? I love your energy!

This was a fun reader question to ponder! And also an important one to answer – for a few different reasons.

First, I want to begin by clarifying that I am definitely not upbeat all the time. I experience my share of anger, grief, frustration, sadness, annoyance…in other words, the gamut of human emotions. If you ever see someone who always seems positive or happy or upbeat, you can trust that they experience a range of other feelings, too – you just may not see it.

I will say, however, that I tend to feel my best – and my most natural – when I am positive. It sort of feels like my default state, or at least the one I continually try to veer back to.

That said, this question brought three main points to mind:

1. Core Values.

Positivity is actually one of my core values. Not ‘toxic positivity’ and, again, not the unattainable idea of being happy all the time.

To me, positivity involves believing in – and looking for – options or solutions, searching for meaning, seeking the upside in order to promote growth (another of my core values) or to move forward.

And since positivity is a core value, I feel at my best when it is being honored / lived out, and I struggle when it is squashed. Therefore, like a beach ball that has been pushed under water and naturally tries to return to the surface, that’s how I feel with positivity (and my other core values).

2. “Positivity Ratio.”

I have studied positive psychology for over a decade now, including earning a certification in Positive Psychology Coaching. One of my first and most impactful resources on the topic is Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s outstanding book, Positivity, where she describes her broaden-and-build theory as well as her ‘positivity ratio.’

At its most basic, the ratio suggests three positive emotions for every negative one in order to support our flourishing.

This ratio seems to linger in my mind, and I try to put out and take in much more positivity than negativity. I’m not always successful at this, but knowledge of the ratio helps.

3. Self-Coaching Questions.

Did I become a coach because I ask so many questions, or do I ask so many questions because I am a coach? Probably a bit of both. Here are a few questions I ask myself, particularly in challenging times:

What’s the ideal outcome? What will help me get from here to there?

What’s the lesson here? What might I learn from this?

If my child or best friend struggled with this, what would I say to them?

How am I feeling? How would I like to feel? What’s one action that might help bridge the gap?

What is my next step in this moment?

I typically explore such questions in my journal, while out on a walk, or with my coach or a trusted friend. All tend to support my positivity.

So there’s a bit of my pondering on the question of my upbeat attitude. Thank you for asking!

If you have a question you’d like Dr. Christi to address in a future installment, leave it below or email our office.

Do You Have A ‘Making A Difference’ File?

Christi Hegstad September 16th, 2022

Which email folder do you turn to when you’re having a rough day?

If you don’t have an answer, here’s a simple solution for you to try:

Create a ‘Making A Difference’ file.

Every time you receive a note of thanks, a message of appreciation, or a positive comment, move it to this file folder.

Even if you hear something verbally, consider sending it to yourself an email.

Then, when you have a challenging day or need a boost of encouragement, open this file and read.

It may take a bit of time to build – don’t let that trouble you. Consider sending more notes of appreciation to others along the way, too.

The ‘Making A Difference’ file is akin to a pep talk, and can work wonders on your perspective!

What other strategies do you employ when you’re having a less-than-stellar day?

The Sounds Of (Social Media) Silence

Christi Hegstad September 15th, 2022

Last December, I posted the following on Instagram and Facebook:

Happy Holidays + Goodbye For Now!

We are preparing the office for year-end and, while I am already excited to hit the ground running in 2022, I’m not sure when / if I’ll be returning here on FB/IG. If you’d like to stay in touch, feel free to join my email community at ChristiHegstad.com/#signup – I’d love to keep connecting with you there! I wish you a beautiful wrap-up to 2021, an excellent start to the new year, and a life and work truly filled with meaning + purpose!

I haven’t posted since.

Several people have asked if I miss it, what I’ve noticed, and if I’ll return. Today’s blog is my attempt at an answer.

Why I Stepped Away

First, let me be clear: I am sharing my own experience, not providing commentary on yours or a judgment on the collective ‘right way’ to do things. You do you!

Second, I mostly stepped away from Instagram and Facebook (with the exception of a Facebook group I lead). I decided to stay on LinkedIn. Snapchat and Tik Tok (and probably dozens of other platforms I’m not even aware exist) never really felt up my alley.

Now, my reasons:

Mental Clarity

My first reason for stepping away involved my desire for greater mental clarity. I had started feeling too infused with others’ opinions, sometimes before I had a moment to form my own. I wanted greater silence to make sure I continued to think for myself.

Time

As an achiever and sometimes-perfectionist, I could spend waaaay too much time crafting a post, editing, questioning if it might be misinterpreted, wondering if it aligned with my brand, etc etc. Simply put, the rewards often didn’t match the time and energy exerted.

Intentionality

Over time, I found myself becoming more reactive, and I tend to operate much better – for myself and for the world – when I am in proactive mode.

Kind of like decluttering my office or home nearly always leads to fresh ideas, spaciousness, and renewed energy, I wondered if decreasing my ‘electronic noise’ would have a similar effect. Also, after reading Cal Newport’s Digital Minimalism, the contrarian in me did not want to give developers who aim to keep us addicted to our phones the satisfaction.

What I’ve Experienced

The impact has felt, not surprisingly, both negative and positive. On the downside, I miss seeing my friends’ kiddos in their first day of school pictures or instantly sharing about an excellent book I’ve read.

I must admit, however, that I still feel plenty informed. In addition, I am:

Streamlined.

People can easily reach me in numerous ways: email, my blog, via my website, PO box, and so on. But removing direct messages from this list has streamlined my communication – and improved the timeliness of my responses – tremendously. Yes, it’s only a couple of inboxes that have been removed from the equation, but somehow I feel exponentially less scattered.

Less Reactive.

Instead of reaching for my phone when I’m in a waiting room, I more often reach for a book, or start a conversation, or (gasp!) just sit in silence for a few minutes. (That last one sometimes feels odd – especially in a room full of people on their phones – but also delightfully rebellious.) I feel more intentional with my time, which is super important to me.

Redefining Success.

Nowadays, exactly zero percent of my personal definition of success depends on how many ‘likes’ or followers a post gains, because it’s no longer a possible metric. I feel like I’m able to pour more into my client work, subscriber newsletters, and the like. It’s now more about the creation (fully in my control) than others’ reaction (not at all in my control).

Plus, my friends can show me their kids’ first day of school photos when we chat in person, and I can respond with more than a thumbs-up emoji.

Will I Return?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I have some exciting new projects in the works, and I know that sharing them on social media could be a good way to reach – and potentially positively impact – a larger number of people.

But every time I’ve considered returning, I’ve never felt the urge to take it any farther than that. For whatever reason, I am more likely to sit down and write a 700-word blog than a caption on social media.

So, I won’t be returning this week. Maybe next week – or month or year – I will change my mind.

Have you ever taken a break from social media? What did you experience? Feel free to share your thoughts below!

Am I Giving Myself Grace – Or Making Excuses?

Christi Hegstad September 14th, 2022

When I met with my coach recently, I wasn’t sure which I needed more – a motivating pep talk or a metaphorical kick in the pants.

A bit of background:

I had been through a rather challenging season. Several unexpected twists and events had caused me to take a step back, regroup, and reevaluate my priorities. If I didn’t reach a particular milestone or wasn’t as productive as I’d like, I gave myself some grace.

And I’m glad for that.

At some point, however, I realized this was no longer serving me. As I state on my About page, my favorite days – the days when I feel at my best – are those with a healthy blend of productivity and peacefulness. I had reached a point where I essentially felt neither of those things!

So I started paying attention to when I put off a task or procrastinated on a project. And I began asking a few questions:

Why am I putting this off?

What do I most need in this moment?

How will I feel seeing this appear yet again on my to-do list?

Just pausing to briefly reflect in this manner – rather than throwing up my hands in apparent overwhelm – did wonders. And the answers I happened upon were quite telling, too.

For example, I realized I was regularly putting things off due to reasons we often put things off: fear, uncertainty, a sense of ‘But I shouldn’t have to do this!’

With that awareness, I could more honestly address what I most needed in the moment. Sometimes it was grace, sometimes it was self-compassion, sometimes it was a firm self-talking-to.

Often times it was a quick walk around the block to clear my head and come back ready to start fresh.

And my answer to the third question, about seeing it on my to-do list another day or week? In most cases I knew I’d feel even more deflated and demotivated! That was frequently enough to kickstart me into motion – whether that meant doing, delegating, or removing it from my list altogether.

In the end, I don’t think my title question was truly an either/or – but rather an and. I needed to give myself grace – and rest, and compassion, and room to breathe – for a period. And when that eventually felt more like making excuses and was taking its own kind of toll, I needed to shift into action and decisiveness and confident, motivating self-talk.

It’s rarely black or white. I’m learning to live in the gray.

(Sometimes, anyway.)

How about you? Do you notice a difference between giving yourself grace and making excuses? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

Dear Dr. Christi: Making Decisions Without Second-Guessing

Christi Hegstad September 13th, 2022

Dear Dr. Christi,

I struggle so much with making decisions. Then, after I make one, I constantly go back and forth about whether it was the right one. Do you have any tips or even book recommendations that might help?

You’ve posed an excellent, and very common, challenge. Many of us struggle with decision-making in general; others may face the challenge in specific life areas. Decision fatigue, regret, or a recent hit to our confidence can also exacerbate the issue.

I, too, have struggled with strong decision-making, particularly early in my career. One solution I have found helpful involved creating a set of Guiding Principles for myself – a list of 5-7 ‘rules to live by,’ so to speak.

My #1 Guiding Principle all those years ago that remains #1 to this day?

Decide And Take Action.

Essentially, this reminds me to conduct my due diligence, make my best decision, then immediately take an action in favor of that decision. This turns my energy into creating momentum on my decision rather than worrying about the paths not taken.

You might also reflect on strong decisions you’ve made in the past and tease them apart for clues: What did you do in advance of the decision? What helped you ultimately decide? What contributed to that decision standing out in your mind as a strong one? Often our best clues can be found within our own history.

Finally, one of my all-time favorite resources on the topic of decision-making is Suzy Welch’s excellent book, 10 10 10. Basically, her process encourages you to make a hypothetical decision, then imagine the consequences – both positive and negative – 10 minutes, 10 months, and 10 years from now. You can then repeat the exercise choosing other hypothetical decisions.

You may find your ‘best’ answer naturally becoming clear through this process. As an added benefit, I often find simply walking through the exercise calms me down enough to make a stronger, more confident decision.

And to be honest, many times I realize that 10 months from now (let alone 10 years from now) I probably won’t even remember stressing over this particular decision!

I recommend reading Welch’s book, as she offers numerous examples of the 10 10 10 process in action. You can also find a good overview in this article.

I hope this helps! Here’s to strong, confident, uncluttered decisions for all!

Feel free to share your decision-making tips in the comments below! And if you have a question you’d like Dr. Christi to address in a future installment, leave it below or email our office.

When You’re Stuck In A Rut

Christi Hegstad September 12th, 2022

Have you felt stuck in a rut lately?

Whether it’s a sense of ‘same stuff / different day,’ ongoing challenges, or feeling completely empty of new ideas, being in a rut is – to say the least – no fun.

And if continued unchecked, it can start to mess with our confidence and motivation, too.

This week, take one step toward *vibrance*.

The idea of climbing out of a rut can sound hard when you’re in one. So let’s flip the switch:

Instead of asking ‘What will get me out of this rut?’ try asking, ‘What will move me one step closer to vibrance / energy / delight?’

Maybe it’s a coffee date with a respected colleague, an afternoon of baking while listening to your favorite podcast, a walk along the shore of a nearby lake at sunrise.

Take just one action in the direction of vibrance. Tomorrow, you can take another.

You may soon find that rut is far behind you!

Replacing Self-Doubt With Self-Reflection

Christi Hegstad July 24th, 2022

“Question yourself, yes, but don’t doubt yourself. There’s a difference.” – Charmaine Wilkerson

This quarter in the ASPIRE Success Club, we are focusing on mental strength: Building it, deepening it, and cultivating it in ourselves and others.

The above quote, which comes from a novel (rather than one of our nonfiction texts this quarter), beautifully captures how confidence and mental strength can exist right alongside open-mindedness, perspective, and a willingness to grow.

This week, replace self-doubt with self-reflection.

Instead of assuming you don’t ‘have what it takes’ if you make a mistake, ask, “What are three things I could do differently next time?”

Instead of criticism about not reaching your goal yet, ask, “What’s getting in my way? How might I change that?”

Instead of not applying for the role because you’ve never done it before, ask, “What would help shorten my learning curve?”

You’ve got this! You may just need to ask different questions.

Ready to make your next chapter your BEST one? I can help – contact my office today!

My Twist + Responses To The Midyear Review

Christi Hegstad July 20th, 2022

A few weeks ago, almost smack-dab in the middle of the year, I celebrated a milestone birthday.

And as my email community knows, because I send them a big list of questions to ask themselves, I looooove a good midyear review + planning session!

This year, however, my milestone birthday prompted me to conduct mine a little differently. Below are twists I added, which you can certainly adopt whether you’re approaching/experiencing a milestone birthday, a different role or career path, a change in life or job status, an empty nest, or any form of new chapter.

Then, keep reading if you’d like to see my responses to a few of the review questions (and stay tuned for the outcomes of my ‘planning’ portion!).

A New Twist On The Ol’ Review

Most notably, instead of looking just at the first half of 2022, I actually looked at my whole life up to this point.

Now, that may sound overwhelming (well, depending on your age, I suppose!), but I divided it into decades: Birth to age 10, age 10-20, and so on. Then for each decade, I asked a few questions:

What moments or experiences stand out?

Highs and lows, personal and work- or school-related, whatever came to mind. Just a few bullet points for each decade.

What major lessons did I take from that decade?

This was actually very thought-provoking, a bit surprising in some cases, and utterly fascinating. Again, I basically did this in a bullet-point format; I’m sure I could have listed a million lessons for each, but I stuck to just a handful.

What word or phrase captures the essence of that decade?

My first couple of decades, for example, primarily encompassed learning: about myself, the world around me, and from an academic perspective. And although each decade held a variety of experiences and lessons, I was actually surprised that I could generally sum them up in a few words.

Consider adapting this in a way that suits you. If you are embarking on a new role in your career, for example, you could list all your previous roles (instead of decades) and ask the same three questions.

My Responses

Here are my responses to a few of the review questions. (If you’d like the full list of questions, make sure you’re part of my email community!)

What moments or experiences stand out?

In my overall life review, pivotal experiences varied widely: Raising my children. A completed marathon. An emergency trip by ambulance. Hosting my first public event. The death of my Mom. Moving to Iowa.

Positive and negative. Some things I planned for years, and some I never would have wished for.

Lessons from them all.

If I could choose a word or theme to represent the first half of the year, what would I choose?

My word for the first half of 2022 was ‘whirlwindy.’ (Yes, I make up words in my reviews. :-))

In the first half of 2022, my youngest kiddo graduated from high school and my middle one from college, my oldest backpacked much of Europe, we experienced some family and health challenges, we took an incredible family vacation, I made a significant decision regarding the future of my business, I lost touch with some people and rekindled relationships with others.

Rollercoastery. Whirlwindy. Both seem accurate!

What has contributed to my growth, personally and professionally?

My answer for this applies to both the first half of 2022 as well as the last few decades: Working with a coach. Reading loads of books. Joining groups, attending conferences, enrolling in classes. Engaging in meaningful conversations. Seeking help from friends and hiring help from professionals, depending on the situation.

What habits have I started? Stopped? Continued? How are they impacting me?

LOTS of habits over the years, but one that I started decades ago and have continued ever since has, I believe, impacted my life the most:

My morning practice!

The time and some of the contents have changed over the years, but the commitment to start my day in a positive and purposeful way has truly been life-changing for me.

Going Forward

An important part of the Review + Planning Session is, of course, the planning! The dreaming! The envisioning and goal-setting! For the record, I spend much more time on this portion than on the review.

This time, in addition to looking ahead to the second half of the year, I also asked myself this question:

What does ten-years-from-now Christi want to look back and say about her previous decade?

I found that placing myself ten years in the future, looking back, expanded my vision greatly. Stay tuned for more on that!

So there you have it – a few twists, examples, and ideas to hopefully help you celebrate your growth and start designing your best next chapter! If I can support you in this or along the way, please reach out – it’s one of my all-time favorite things to do!

Ready to design and achieve your BEST next chapter? Christi Hegstad, PhD, PCC can help! Reach out today to discuss possibilities!

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