When you hear difficult news or experience the unfathomable, how do you tend to respond?
Like most people, I’m continually trying to navigate this. I imagine it will be a lifelong experiment. One thing I have learned about myself, however, is that I am much more effective – and feel much better – when I take purposeful action.
But sometimes the question is, what action can I take? What could possibly make a difference?
This morning, I asked myself these questions once again – then generated this brief list. What would you add?
1. First and foremost, feel your feelings. If tears need to flow, pillows need to be screamed into, hugs need to be requested – give yourself permission to feel what you feel. You can still be a positive, purposeful person and experience the wide range of human emotions available to us.
2. Shift your questions. While there is a time and place for asking ‘why’ and getting to root causes (for growth, not blame), we must also remember that the quality and focus of our answers depend on the quality and focus of our questions. When you feel stuck, switching to ‘how’ questions can often open you up to possibility: How can I improve the situation? How can I help? How can I take one step forward?
3. Conduct a person-to-person act of kindness. Send an unexpected gift card to a teacher. Write a heartfelt letter of gratitude to a service provider. Leave a pre-paid gas card and a “You’re amazing!” note to someone who recently lost his job and may not feel so amazing. Make eye contact when speaking.
4. Connect with your core values. There’s a line in an old country song that goes, “You’ve got to stand for something or you’ll fall for anything.” Know what you stand for. Also, recognize that you can’t stand for everything and still be effective.
5. Support values-aligned causes. Which do you see as more beneficial: Giving $20 to 100 different organizations, or giving $2,000 to one that supports what you believe in most? Once you clarify your values, consider donating focused time and treasure there.
6. Share your personal strengths. You’re a great writer? Consider contributing to a nonprofit’s newsletter. Amazing eye for interior design? Offer to create a welcoming lobby for a facility that helps people in need. Gain joy from using your strengths while you make a difference for others.
7. Note what’s within your control. This is difficult – and especially important – in situations where we feel like we have no control. We always have control over something, such as our attitude, how we respond to a situation, the words we speak, the actions we take, the way we carry ourselves. We may also have the ability to help, provide a safe space or listening ear, donate blood, or offer a service. Create a Breakthrough Map of possible actions, perhaps teaming up with a friend or group to get even more ideas flowing.
8. Take care of yourself. Breathe, nourish, move, create…fuel yourself. Consider your spiritual and emotional needs as well, inviting prayer, meditation, affirmations, or inspirational text into your life. Like the oxygen-mask-on-an-airplane metaphor, you must first take care of yourself if you want to be able to take care of others.
9. Seek professional help. Whether a therapist, physician, healer, coach, spiritual director…the options are endless. You don’t have to go it alone.
10. Refrain from social media. This may mean reading, as it can become overwhelming in the face of a national or global issue. It may also mean posting, unless you’re going to contribute to the conversation in a meaningful and helpful manner.
11. Pour extra love into the world. Love your family, friends, coworkers, cashiers, fellow drivers on the highway, grumpy service providers… everyone. Model what it’s like to love love love.
12. And in the words of Mr. Rogers’ mom, look for the helpers. They’re always there, and they will always remind you of the truest shining goodness of the human spirit.
Many of these may just serve as starting points or seem like they wouldn’t change the world. But sometimes what we need is the starting point, to provide us with the energy, momentum, and resolve to then dig deeper and do the big work. As Mother Teresa said, “Help one person at a time, and always start with the person nearest you.”
What actions help you when you don’t know what to do? I welcome your additions to this list. Perhaps together, we can create a working document that we can turn to whenever we wonder what we can do to lift ourselves, our families and friends, and humanity to a higher level.
Much love to you, friends.